How You Can Save Marriage By Creating Intimacy

August 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment

When your marriage hits rocky waters you must firmly believe that you can save marriage in order to save the marriage.  If you don’t believe that as fact, then there is nothing you do that will make a blind bit of difference.  So right now, believe that it is possible for you to save the marriage.

A common missing ingredient for marriages in trouble is a lack of intimacy.  For a marriage to be happy there must be a level of intimacy that goes beyond the physical and wholeheartedly embraces the emotional.  Ask yourself this, “does my marriage suffer from a lack of intimacy?”

Are you open and transparent with your spouse?  Do you share and include or do you exclude and keep your emotions and emotional needs locked away and try and deal with things on your own?  If you exclude your spouse emotionally, then your marriage lacks intimacy and it’s time to inject some and get on the road to save marriage.

Make sure that you’re making every attempt to share your problems and worries with your spouse.  Too often people find themselves worried and preoccupied with a situation.  Instead of sharing this situation with their spouse, they decide to try and deal with it on their own.  This is a big mistake because it excludes your spouse when you should be including them.

Remember, spouses can very easily sense when something is wrong and if you exclude them, they quickly begin to feel shut out and redundant and that’s when hurt can quickly find its way into a marriage.

Another way to inject intimacy into your marriage so that you can save marriage is to make time for your marriage.  In this day and age when a thousand and one things can encroach on your time, not making time for your marriage is a surefire way for a marriage to hit trouble.  It’s no fun discovering that when you were busy carving out a career or focusing your time on attending to the kids, that your marriage just shriveled up and died.

Make sure that if you want to save marriage that you’re actively making time for your spouse and your marriage.  Once in a while take an impromptu afternoon off and have some fun with your spouse.  When your spouse realizes that you value them to the extent of changing your schedule to include them, you will begin to see an improved difference in your marriage.

Creating and fostering intimacy in your marriage so that you can save marriage will take time and is an ongoing process.  Don’t ever make the mistake of allowing your marriage to be left set on auto-pilot.  A healthy and intimate marriage is one that is attended to regularly, only then will it thrive.

Creating Perfect Relationship?

July 6, 2009 | Leave a Comment

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested “I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.” The SDU officer said, “Your requirements, please.” “Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The officer listened carefully and replied, “I understand you need television.”

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up a nd discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

Source: Subasree K

The Best Spouse Relationships

June 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

The best spouse relationships are based on love and respect. That goes without saying, doesn’t it? Everyone probably realizes that love and respect are crucial to having a good marriage. But beyond love and respect there are a few things that can help spouse relationships.

Think back to when you were first married. If you’re newly married, think back to when you first met and were dating. How did you treat your partner?  You probably treated your partner with respect, but also with kindness and thoughtfulness.

Unfortunately, it’s common that the longer we know someone, the less kind we tend to be toward them. One would think that the opposite holds true. But we start to take the other person for granted and think they’ll always be there, no matter what.

Think of the last time you went to the bank or grocery store and spoke to the cashier. Maybe you exchanged words with a stranger. How was the tone of your voice and your words? You probably sounded like the sweetest person on the planet. That person might have thought “how polite” when you walked away.

Now think to the words and the tone of the voice you use with your spouse sometimes. When you get angry or you’re unhappy about something, think about how you sound. Would you ever speak that way to a stranger?  If you’re thinking “probably not” then you’ve started taking advantage of your spouse.

People do it with close friends, parents and children, too. If we could record people’s conversations and play them back at a different time, people might be ashamed of how they sounded. And they probably wouldn’t speak that way to someone they didn’t know well for fear of hurting their feelings!

Good spouse relationships are kind ones. Everyone gets angry now and then. And yes, everyone says things he or she regrets in an angry and even hateful tone of voice. But you can keep these instances to a minimum by just thinking about whether you’d talk to your postman or your boss that way.

Thoughtfulness is also an important factor in good spouse relationships. People love their spouses, but it seems the longer they’re together, they less they sometimes show it. Your spouse is one person you should make a point of being thoughtful toward, too.

In the beginning when you’re first dating someone or first married, you might send (or receive) flowers, cards and little surprises. Generally after people are married for a while, these sorts of things slow down or stop. Remembering to be thoughtful and surprise your spouse can help makes yours one of the better spouse relationships.

Try to keep in mind that marriage isn’t written in stone. There really are other opportunities out there for your spouse. Bring back some of the things you did and said when you were trying to win this person. Be kind and thoughtful as much as you can. Those combined with love and respect will make yours one of the enduring spouse relationships.

Grudges between Husband and Wife

June 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Posted here is a touching story (true story), albeit long but totally thought provoking….. do read.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby’s father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said, “Lets go fetch mother.” Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment and put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment, “I do not know how you young people spend your money, what do you buy flowers for? You can’t eat flowers!”

I smiled and said, “Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will become better.” Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled, “Mum, this is a city-people’s habit; slowly you will get use to it.”

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said, “You little fool, just don’t tell her the full price of everything would solve it.”

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children’s Palace and was exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags and accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and “Bam” she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me….

I got mad and asked him, “What did I do wrong?”

Hubby stared at me and said, “Can’t you just give in to her once? We couldn’t possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?”

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the “all important” task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me, “LD, is it because you think that mum’s cooking is not clean that’s why you chose not to eat at home?” He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: “LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?” I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have no appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said, “LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor.” The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.  Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn’t hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn’t resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn’t know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby, “Darling, I am having your baby!” and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn’t happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn’t even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said, “Mr. Tan’s mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital.”

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother’s pale white and thin face and I couldn’t control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her… I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if…. In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother’s room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don’t know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother’s death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched – he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way
of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said, “You wait a while, I will sign.” He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself, “You cannot cry, you cannot cry…” my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby’s eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

“LD, are you pregnant?”

Since mother’s accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said, “Yes, but its ok, you can leave now.” He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated “sorry” to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can’t. In that western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other’s heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don’t take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother’s room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby’s groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.  Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain… He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his… I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying, “Prepare for his funeral.”

I disregarded the nurse’s objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby’s cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that… the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: “Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now… I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy’s suggestion….

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most… “From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

“My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby… My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me… These presents, I’m afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging…”

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said, “Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms… “He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face…. A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever…”Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny’s secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.”……..

This is a true story.
Source: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Lampmach/

LEARNING POINT – DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience and… forgiveness.

This story has really touched, moved and inspired me. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start separating what happened from my interpretation of why it happened. Or in other word I can consciously separate the meaning I automatically gave to what has happened. Rather than reacted to the meaning I gave, I can take what happened as it is. Communication is the key.

Saving Your Marriage On Your Own

April 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment

One of the most frustrating aspects of saving marriages is when one partner refuses to participate in the process. Communication, cooperation, and respect for each other disappear as each person retreats into themselves and act as individuals. Your husband or wife no longer participating in the relationship. He or she will not do anything that may be seen as exposing vulnerability or taking responsibility for their part in the marriage crisis. Your spouse refused to talk about what he or she felt the issues were, refused counseling, says he or she is not in love, and that he or she does not want to try to save the marriage. It’s heartbreaking, but there are things that you can do if you are in the same situation.

Do you like to receive emails like the one posted below, to help you saving your marriage? If your answer is yes, visit Save My Marriage Today and grab the offer (Super Bonus No. 6) before it is taken out.

Hi,

Thanks for your email.

Your husband has indicated quite clearly that he is not willing to participate in the marriage or in counseling, and that he is not prepared to discuss with you his reasons for ending the marriage. That’s because he doesn’t know himself what the issues are!

You need to accept the fact that your husband is not at a level where he is able to communicate, and leave it at that. I understand that you have tried to encourage him to go to counseling, and that at every step along the way he has opposed you vigorously, however, that doesn’t have to stop you from participating in counseling and getting some meaning out of all of this. If he chooses to be angry and not learn anything from this process, that’s his choice. He will take that baggage and it will carry through into his next relationship.

You are being called into an opportunity for growth. Your husband is not participating, so you need to do this alone. Go to counseling. Get meaning. Gain understanding. Forgive yourself, both for your part in this process as well as the things you cannot change.

You don’t have to file the divorce papers. If he wants to end the relationship, he can be the one that does it. He wants the relationship to end but he doesn’t want to be the one responsible for actually ending it. That’s childish. If he is the one that is motivated to give up on the relationship, he can be the one that finalizes it and deals with the emotional consequences.

I want you to focus on your love for your husband, even at a time when he is pushing you away and is unable to reciprocate. This is what we call unconditional love. Unconditional love is realizing that even when he doesn’t want to be with you, you still love him. Your love for him is going to be what helps you make the effort for your children’s sake, and it is going to give you peace of mind, and it is going to absolve you of the guilt associated with his actions. Your husband is set on torturing himself and others. Don’t allow yourself to be affected by his behavior and be drawn into it too much. That’s where counseling comes in, which can offer you a grounding perspective as well as ways of channelling the stress..

You aren’t in fantasy land. This isn’t false hope. This is about you not letting him be the one that ruins you. He can end the relationship but how you let him affect you is YOUR choice.

You cannot choose the people you love, and despite everything that this man does to you, you still love him. That shows a strength of character that is a credit to you. Be proud of loving him, even when he can’t allow himself to love you.

Stay strong. Identify what you can learn from this and what ways you are being called to grow. You will look back on this time and see it as a defining moment in your life. Make sure it is for the right reasons.

Andrew Rusbatch
Co-author of Save My Marriage Today

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http://www.savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html

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