Do You Want To Save Your Marriage?

November 21, 2009 | Leave a Comment

I have one question for you – do you want to save your marriage? If the answer is YES, you have a hard road ahead of you.

Before you start down that path, you have to answer this question in the affirmative.

Take a hard look at the state of your marriage.  Is this the person you want to be with in five years?

If not, you don’t need to read any further.  Just go down to the closest divorce attorney.

Still with me?  Good.  I’m going to show you how to save your marriage.

Once you have decided that your marriage is worth saving, you can start to do the work that is necessary.  Don’t even think about going to the divorce lawyer any more.  You’ve made the commitment to stick with your relationship.

Now that you have put divorce out of your mind, accept that there will have to be changes in the relationship.  If you want the relationship to work more than your partner does, then you are the one who is going to have to do the most changing.  That’s a simple fact.  It is like the person who has the bigger aversion to messiness usually does the most cleaning around the house.  The person who wants the relationship to work more will have to do the most changing.

You have to be prepared to talk more too.  Set aside time to get to know your partner once again.  If he or she has hobbies that they are willing to share with you, get involved even if you are not all that into darts or scrap-booking.

If your partner is willing to agree to it, marriage counseling may be what you need to save your marriage.  A relationship counselor or therapist will be able to look at your marriage from the outside, ask probing questions, and get you to open up to each other.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.  Once you have the “ideal” out of your head, you will be able to work on what is real and what is good.  These are the standards you should be applying to your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage?  Good.  But know the hard work lies ahead.

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1. http://savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html

2. http://savemarriagehowto.com/go/makingupmagic.html

Saving Your Marriage On Your Own

April 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment

One of the most frustrating aspects of saving marriages is when one partner refuses to participate in the process. Communication, cooperation, and respect for each other disappear as each person retreats into themselves and act as individuals. Your husband or wife no longer participating in the relationship. He or she will not do anything that may be seen as exposing vulnerability or taking responsibility for their part in the marriage crisis. Your spouse refused to talk about what he or she felt the issues were, refused counseling, says he or she is not in love, and that he or she does not want to try to save the marriage. It’s heartbreaking, but there are things that you can do if you are in the same situation.

Do you like to receive emails like the one posted below, to help you saving your marriage? If your answer is yes, visit Save My Marriage Today and grab the offer (Super Bonus No. 6) before it is taken out.

Hi,

Thanks for your email.

Your husband has indicated quite clearly that he is not willing to participate in the marriage or in counseling, and that he is not prepared to discuss with you his reasons for ending the marriage. That’s because he doesn’t know himself what the issues are!

You need to accept the fact that your husband is not at a level where he is able to communicate, and leave it at that. I understand that you have tried to encourage him to go to counseling, and that at every step along the way he has opposed you vigorously, however, that doesn’t have to stop you from participating in counseling and getting some meaning out of all of this. If he chooses to be angry and not learn anything from this process, that’s his choice. He will take that baggage and it will carry through into his next relationship.

You are being called into an opportunity for growth. Your husband is not participating, so you need to do this alone. Go to counseling. Get meaning. Gain understanding. Forgive yourself, both for your part in this process as well as the things you cannot change.

You don’t have to file the divorce papers. If he wants to end the relationship, he can be the one that does it. He wants the relationship to end but he doesn’t want to be the one responsible for actually ending it. That’s childish. If he is the one that is motivated to give up on the relationship, he can be the one that finalizes it and deals with the emotional consequences.

I want you to focus on your love for your husband, even at a time when he is pushing you away and is unable to reciprocate. This is what we call unconditional love. Unconditional love is realizing that even when he doesn’t want to be with you, you still love him. Your love for him is going to be what helps you make the effort for your children’s sake, and it is going to give you peace of mind, and it is going to absolve you of the guilt associated with his actions. Your husband is set on torturing himself and others. Don’t allow yourself to be affected by his behavior and be drawn into it too much. That’s where counseling comes in, which can offer you a grounding perspective as well as ways of channelling the stress..

You aren’t in fantasy land. This isn’t false hope. This is about you not letting him be the one that ruins you. He can end the relationship but how you let him affect you is YOUR choice.

You cannot choose the people you love, and despite everything that this man does to you, you still love him. That shows a strength of character that is a credit to you. Be proud of loving him, even when he can’t allow himself to love you.

Stay strong. Identify what you can learn from this and what ways you are being called to grow. You will look back on this time and see it as a defining moment in your life. Make sure it is for the right reasons.

Andrew Rusbatch
Co-author of Save My Marriage Today

Like the email? Check out the Super Bonus Offer at:

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Owning Your Past and Looking Forward

March 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment

When reading of people’s justification for their unhappy marriages, I hear a lot of stories. Miscommunication, hurt feelings, different expectations of what marriage is, different expectations of what is involved in parenting, different personalities and cultures, and past scars and traumatic childhoods.

Today we are going to look at the scars of the past, particularly with unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships. It’s something that happens to a lot of couples, and it’s an enormously destructive force.

When you meet the person you love, quite often they have lived a part of their lifetime before meeting you, and immersed themselves in a range of different experiences, some good, some bad. Emotional baggage is something that all of us carry within us to an extent, but how much we bring into a relationship can really effect how the relationship dynamic works.

I received an email from a man who had been married for a number of years, and was a chronic adulterer. He blamed it on unresolved issues from childhood, perhaps a lack of connection with a parent figure, or low self-esteem, either way he continued to have affairs at intervals right through his married life. His wife was aware of what was happening, and after a number of affairs she simply stopped participating on an emotional level. A part of her died every time he went outside the relationship in search of that elusive fulfillment. Eventually she sought solace in the arms of another, and an affair ensued. Now his wife has decided she wants to end the marriage, and this man believes it is motivated by revenge. This man wants to start over, but doesn’t know where to begin.

Written by Andrew Rusbatch – Co-author of Save My marriage Today Newsletter.

P.S: Andrew’s reply will be posted in a couple of days.

If you like this posting, get more tips on Saving Your Marriage by subscribing to Save My marriage Today Newsletter Series Now. It’s FREE. Go to this web page and sign up for the FREE 6-Day Mini E-Course by completing the form provided (scroll one page down):

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Saving Your Marriage through Counseling

November 23, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Is your marriage in trouble and you are looking for a counselor? What is counseling going to do for your relationship? Is it going to help save your marriage, or is it going to be another counseling horror story? How do you know when your marriage is at the stage where counseling is required?

Often couples are too slow to recognize they need counseling to help them save their marriage. By the time they realized, it’s already too late. Counseling, when undertaken in time, really does save marriages. Not only that, it can make marriages healthier than before and make the couples happier than they have ever been. But many couples hesitate when it comes to counseling and wait too long. Many feel that it’s like admitting failure. Others are suspicious of psychology or behavioral therapy. Most people have some kind of preconceived notion about counseling, and some are really detrimental to the process as a tool for saving the marriage.

Marriage counseling actually offers couples a chance to talk about the origin of their problems in a safe and moderated environment. It’s an environment that is controlled by a trained councilor who is committed to resolving issues and improving communication. When both partners are committed to this result, counseling can be extraordinarily powerful and bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.

So, when the best time to get counseling? Surely it is not when divorce seems an immediately viable option. The time to get counseling is when issues begin to come up again and again without resolution, and when communication begins to break down. Counseling really can save marriages, but only with a strong commitment from both partners.  If you recognize that you are at a point in your relationship in which you need to seek counseling, do a little research about psychologists and therapists in your area.

Looking for marriage counseling? Get great marriage-saving tips and advice in Save My Marriage Today Free newsletter series. When you arrive at the site, scroll down for the sign-up form.

7 Innovative Ways To Save Your Marriage

October 12, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Are you in a tough spot in your marriage right now? Every relationship has its problems and its rough patches, but that doesn’t mean that you need to give up when the going gets tough. For many couples, they can actually work through their problems to create a stronger relationship. Sometimes the hard times are actually learning lessons in disguise. Here are just a few tips for getting started on the right foot.

Listen

There’s nothing more damaging to a relationship than a partner that doesn’t take the time to listen. In fact, that fact alone might be the thing that has led to the feelings of dissatisfaction with a marriage. In order to be a good partner (on either end), you need to be able to remain quiet and talk through problems until both partners are satisfied. Be quiet when they are speaking and try to really listen to what they are saying.

Understand

But listening only goes so far when you’re trying to work out problems in you relationship. If you do not really understand where they are coming from, you might be creating more problems. When they are expressing themselves, you want to ask questions when appropriate in order to clarify what they are saying to you. Even if it seems uncomfortable at first, it’s important that you make sure that you understand where they are at and how you might be able to help.

A positive attitude

Why start off a rough patch by thinking that it will never get any better no matter what you do? When you’re trying to work through problems and issues, you will want to make sure that you’re going into it with a positive attitude. You don’t need to be sugary sweet, but you should start to look at your troubles as learning lessons rather than the doom of the relationship. Try to think about happier times when you start to become negative in order to turn your thinking around.

Be present

When a partner isn’t fully in the moment of trying to fix a relationship, the work becomes a one-sided affair. You need to be able to fully be there for your partner when you need to work through tough times. This might mean that you need to take a few days off work or devote certain times to discussing ways to fix your relationship. These times should be uninterrupted by work obligations or time commitments so that neither person feels rushed or distracted.

Stay calm

While you might be upset about the way that things have turned out, you need to remember that being calm is the best way to see things more clearly. Try lowering your voice when you talk – it automatically lowers your blood pressure and your anger. Try to take a few deep breaths before you say anything – this will help you to be clear and calm as you speak. Many people perceive becoming flustered or upset as being angry, and that can lead to a poor environment for working through issues.

Make plans

One of the best ways to help save your marriage is to start creating long term plans with your partner. While this might not seem like the best idea at the time, it will create the idea that you are both going to make it through the rough patch that you have stumbled upon – somehow. Try to make plans for vacations or other far in the future appointments. This will create a little less pressure because the future isn’t so vague and unable to be seen in the dark that you are experiencing at the time.

Take time away

While you don’t have to become legally separated to do this, taking time away from each other is one of the best ways to stop a marriage from becoming a divorced marriage. When you take time away from each other, you allow yourself to have a new perspective on the events that are happening. And this can allow you to see new solutions as well as new ideas for how to handle the problems that you may be having. Even if it’s just a night or a few hours, taking time to step back from an issue can help it become easier to resolve.

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