Advice On Love To Save Your Relationship

January 15, 2010 | Leave a Comment

Today we are faced with so many things coming at us from so many directions. With all these stresses in life it’s tough to keep our relationships strong, and if you want to save your relationship, just finding the time to work on it can be a challenge. This article will give you advice on love to save your relationship, it’s aimed at all the overly stressed busy people who still want to make their relationships work.

Here are 3 things you can start doing today to keep your relationship strong, or pull it back from the brink. It’s not so much about how much time you spend together, it’s more about the quality of time that the two of you spend together.  Keep that in mind when going over the list:

  • Figure out what activities that the two of you like to do as a couple. It doesn’t matter if it’s round of golf or a trip to the local movie theater. As long as you can share an experience that is enjoyable, for both of you. When it’s your time, make arrangements for the kids to spend the night at grandma’s, turn off the cell phones and Blackberries, take the phone off the hook, and turn off the t.v. This is about connecting with each other, not just co-existing in the same place at the same time.This is so important for two reasons.  One, it will allow you time to relax and unwind from the stresses of life.  That will help each of you individually and also will allow both of you to bring more to the relationship since you’ll be more relaxed and at ease.  And two, it gives the two of you precious memories that you can relive from time to time with each other.  It’s fun to have shared experiences where you can say ‘remember when we did…’?  That creates a deeper bond between the two of you..
  • So many couples only talk about mundane daily things like asking your spouse if they had a good day,  or if they picked up milk on the way home.  Try to make time each week to really talk.  Don’t turn it into a complaining time, just talk.  Tell your partner about your dreams, relive some fun past times, etc.  Make it a positive time.  Really be willing to talk, and listen, and let each other into your minds a little bit.
  • Try to always remind yourself what it was that first attracted you to your partner.  Was it their laugh, their offbeat sense of humor, their goofy expressions? Whatever it was don’t let yourself forget that.  And while you’re reminding yourself, make sure to let them know too.  If you fell in love with their laugh, tell them, often, that you love the way they laugh.  So much of that positive reinforcement seems to go out the window the longer the relationship goes on.  And that’s a shame.  Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated, don’t ever let your partner feel like you don’t find that thing you fell in love with attractive anymore.

A loving relationship is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Many people will tell you that relationships are ‘hard’ and that they ‘take a lot of work’.  I don’t agree.  I believe that if you are with the right person, if you’re both mature adults who really want to make the relationship work, and if you know what to look out for, your relationship can be very easy.  Just use this advice on love to save your relationship as a starting point.

How to Deal With Your Marriage Conflicts

January 21, 2009 | Leave a Comment

If you already had a lot of fights and conflicts with each other before your marriage, just imagine the conflicts married life could bring! Disagreeing is inevitable, especially when you get married. This is something that you should understand. Obviously, there is no such thing as “the perfect couple”.

It’s Not the End of Your Fairytale

If you’re newly married and living a fairytale life right now, don’t be afraid of having some conflicts along the way. Also, if you have just had your very first argument as a married couple, do not lose hope. Do not let this incident make you pessimistic about your relationship in general.

Keep in mind that it’s just the beginning of your new life and that both of you have to be strong to keep it running. Your fairytale life can still continue. This is not the end just yet!

What to Do?

What you must realize is that it doesn’t really matter what kind of conflict you’re having or what the reason is, what really matters is how both of you work it out to solve the problem.

How to Deal

Dealing with conflict can be complex, especially if you’re under the influence of anger. Letting yourselves become enraged with emotions just worsens the circumstances, especially if it happens on both sides. Thus, be sure that both of you are always in control of your emotions.

Try your best to master your emotions, especially when in public places. It’s not nice if you pick a fight with your spouse where there are other people. It can be very embarrassing for both of you.

You both should learn how to communicate effectively to state your side of the argument. Do not talk at the same time, hear each other side.

Do not involve other people in your problems; simply because marital problems should be treated as something private that both of you should discuss.

It would also be helpful to learn how to look at your circumstance as a third person point of view. Try looking at the bigger picture, so that you don’t get hooked up with your pride and keep insisting that you’re right.

If you’re talking it over, be sure that both of you are calm while doing so. Also, try your best to think about what you say before speaking. Keep in mind that words can be as sharp as a two-edged sword. Saying something unwarranted can only worsen your situation and hurt your partner even more.

Try putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes. See how doing that can change your perspective on the subject. If you find yourself to be wrong, then be sure that you learn how to ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner.

Making Amends

If you’ll be asking for forgiveness, be sure that you’re sincere about it. Don’t do it just out of lip service. Do so with all your heart. Most of the time, both sides should ask for forgiveness of the other. This especially happens when both of you simply snapped out of anger and have acted inappropriately with each other. If so, be humble enough to admit your mistakes.

However, you should understand that saying you are sorry sometimes isn’t enough. There are instances when extra effort is needed. Don’t be afraid to go a step further than simply saying you are sorry.

Learning to Forgive

On the flip side, you should also learn to forgive. This is probably the most important thing in married life. Learning to forgive and learning to trust are two different things. Trust is something the other person needs to earn. However, when you say that you forgive him/her, be sure that you do so with all your heart. But for you to do that, you should be able to start out with a clean slate with zero grudges on either side.

Find out about the incredibly powerful strategies for resolving your marriage conflicts in a more constructive and less emotionally stressful way at Amy Waterman website:
http://savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html or you can read my review at:
http://savemarriagesite.com/reviews/save-my-marriage-today

Quieting the Mind – As a Way to Resolve Conflict in Relationships

December 5, 2008 | Leave a Comment

I noticed that most of my interactions with others are confined to exchange of words. I find it so uncomfortable to be with someone without saying a word. I would blink my eyes, scratch my head, look left, smile and other any other action just to make myself feel comfortable. If I keep still and not doing anything, I tend to judge the person or thinking what that person thinks about me. In other words, if I not doing anything my mind will wandering around.

  • What I’m going to talk about?
  • Why she’s looking at me that way?
  • I think she can’t be trusted
  • Why she does not say a word?
  • What she think about me?

A still and quiet mind can make you less reactive to the “problem” of life and it will give you inner peace. I reckoned still and quiet mind will give a tremendous boost to my relationship with others. I started practising quieting the mind with my wife. We look at each other in the eye and say nothing. It wasn’t easy when we first started. There were a lot of noises in our mind. We tend to do things to cover up being uncomfortable. However, it becomes easy and easier over time. Now we are comfortable being in stillness together. With stillness, comes the sense of spaciousness, spaces that we can fill with anything.

The relationship which is dominated by the noisy mind can easily be taken over by problems and conflict.

How To Find A Marriage Therapist: Questions You Should Ask

December 2, 2008 | Leave a Comment

If you have read my ebook, Save The Marriage, you know that I have some major reservations about marital therapy. Studies have shown almost 50% of couples in therapy end up divorced. Only 10 to 20% of couples who go to therapy see any significant help from counseling. This is a major indictment on therapy, and one that has not been addressed!

The problem is not that there aren’t skilled marital therapists. The problem is there are too many therapists offering marital therapy that should not. If you decide to use a therapist to help you heal your relationship, you should be careful. Don’t go in unprepared. Many people spend less time choosing a therapist than choosing someone to fix their roof!

There are some questions I think you should ask of any therapist. If you are wondering why, I have a whole chapter on the problem with therapists in my ebook. So, here, I will focus on the questions you may want to ask:

* “Do you have specialized training in marriage counseling?” You’d be amazed on how many therapists see couples, but have never been trained to do so. The vast majority of therapists are trained in individual therapy models. Many ideas in individual therapy models are destructive in marital therapy.

* “How much of your work is with couples?” Someone who spends a great deal of time with couples is likely to be better at it than someone who sees a few couples each week. Therapists tend to spend their time with the type of clients with whom they are comfortable and successful. However, therapists are also likely to see clients they are less comfortable with, but who help pay the bills (that’s not cynicism, just reality).

* “When working with a couple, do you see us together or separately?” I don’t see this as an absolute, but I think the vast majority of sessions should be with both of the spouses together. Sometimes, it is useful to see one or the other to help get past a block. However, there are a couple of risks of spending too much time with one or the other: First, therapists are humans; like it or not, they will be swayed by the views of whomever they spend the most time. Second, one or the other may perceive a coalition, even if it is not there. And third, if a therapist hears something that one cannot say to the other, then the therapist is in a difficult position: keeping a secret or violating something said in confidence.

* “Who is your client when you are seeing a couple?” Correct answer: the relationship (or some very similar answer). Any other answer indicates that the individual(s) will be the client. This is a problem. The question of who the client is creates the frame for what will be addressed and what will be preserved. So, if the individual is the client, the client’s happiness will be of paramount importance. If the relationship is the client, then success is based on the success of the relationship.

* “How successful are you in helping couples stay together?” They probably won’t have the statistics, but they will give you some information that is helpful. For example, they will begin to tell you their definition of success: helping people divorce with minimal damage (not a good answer), helping each find happiness (not a good answer), I hang in there until we get somewhere in the relationship (a good answer), etc. You want to hear something about success being defined as couples staying together, relationships saved.

* “When do you tell a couple to call it quits?” There shouldn’t be many reasons to call it quits, on the therapist’s part. If they answer “affair” or “when the other wants a divorce,” keep moving. In my opinion, if the couple comes to my office, they are there to save the relationship. Barring abuse in the relationship, I opt to stick it out until the couple decides they will not continue.

As you can tell, you are looking for someone who will be an ally of the marriage. You want someone who is willing to be straight with both of you, and one that will keep pushing you to move toward health. You also want someone who has been down that road with many couples before, and someone who has been trained to walk that path.

Choose carefully. Often, the therapist holds a fragile relationship in the palm of his or her hand. Mistakes can destroy a relationship that may have otherwise survived. A good therapist is an asset. A bad therapist is destructive.

About the Author: Premiere relationship advice! Discover how to move your relationship from stalemate to soulmate with the best-selling ebook, Save The Marriage, available exclusively from http://savemarriagesite.com/go/savethemarriage.html . Find out how to save a marriage, even if only YOU want to!

4 Rules That Can Save Your Marriage: Rule 3

November 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment

You are reading the third installment in a series of four articles about rules of marriage. Each rule is designed to move a couple toward better relating and more harmony.

Rule 3: Be Kind and Loving

This is a rule that definitely needs some clarification. I don’t mean that you have to have warm, gushy feelings toward your spouse at all times. That is not, unfortunately, possible. And I don’t mean you won’t act in unkind ways toward your spouse. That will happen from time-to-time.

At the same time, I have seen couples treat each other as if they were worst of enemies. There was no sense of “you and me, in this together.” Instead, there was a strong sense of “you versus me.” And with that comes the undermining of the marriage. A marriage is the decision by two people to come together and act as a unit, be a team, become one.

Yet we often find ourselves responding to spouses in ways that we would never dream about acting toward a friend. I almost named this rule “be civil,” because I have said that to so many couples. They will sit in my office and be nice toward me, then rude and unkind toward their spouse, and I would admonish them to “be civil.”

Being civil would be level one. The next level is to actually be kind and loving. Which raises the question “how can I be kind and act loving when I am angry? How can I pretend feel love when I don’t?”

That, in my mind, is a misunderstanding of what love is about. I use the word “love” as an action verb. Love is something I do, not something I feel. Actions are loving. This is, in fact, one of the major constructs of all the major religions: act lovingly toward those you don’t like. In other words, our major religions are noting the potential to act in loving ways toward even our enemies, much less those we love.

I place the action of love in a marriage into two categories. The first is kindness. That would be defined as acting in kind ways — not calling names, demeaning, insulting, or hurting. Instead, kindness would call for being supportive, caring, concerned.

Loving actions add another layer by asking “what does my spouse need from me in order to feel loved?” We all have a need for love, and by meeting our spouse’s needs, we secure the relationship.

The Golden Rule is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule of Love takes that one step further: “love others as they need to be loved.” What makes me feel loved does not make you feel loved, and vice versa. So we strive to act in loving ways, but in loving ways that make sense to the other person.

Unfortunately, our tendency, when we don’t feel loved, is to refuse to act lovingly. This creates a vicious cycle, and in the end, both feel unloved. Which leads to either acting on automatic or choosing our relationship destiny. On automatic, we run the vicious cycle.

But we can choose to act counter to that. We can choose to act lovingly, even if we do not feel loved at that moment. We choose to act in loving ways because the emotion is absent.

Here is the irony: when we do loving actions, we feel loving emotions. When we wait for the emotions to act lovingly, we get stalled. But by acting lovingly, we begin to nurture our own emotional state. Think back on how you fell in love. Sure, there was likely an initial attraction. But the love came because you did loving actions toward each other. Likely, you chose bigger and bigger actions to express your growing emotions. The emotion of love, put simply, is nurtured by the action of loving. The reverse is not true.

Thus, rule #3 is “be kind and act lovingly.” This puts us back into the driver’s seat of our relationship’s destiny. We take control back from our emotional state, and make a choice on the direction to take.

About the Author: Dr. Baucom is a 15-year veteran of marriage therapy. He works day-in and day-out to help people save their marriages. Dr. Baucom is creator of the best-selling ebook, Save The Marriage (http://savemarriagesite.com/go/savethemarriage.html). He also created an online marriage workshop (http://savemarriagesite.com/go/transformmarriage.html).

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