How to Deal With Your Marriage Conflicts

January 21, 2009 | Leave a Comment

If you already had a lot of fights and conflicts with each other before your marriage, just imagine the conflicts married life could bring! Disagreeing is inevitable, especially when you get married. This is something that you should understand. Obviously, there is no such thing as “the perfect couple”.

It’s Not the End of Your Fairytale

If you’re newly married and living a fairytale life right now, don’t be afraid of having some conflicts along the way. Also, if you have just had your very first argument as a married couple, do not lose hope. Do not let this incident make you pessimistic about your relationship in general.

Keep in mind that it’s just the beginning of your new life and that both of you have to be strong to keep it running. Your fairytale life can still continue. This is not the end just yet!

What to Do?

What you must realize is that it doesn’t really matter what kind of conflict you’re having or what the reason is, what really matters is how both of you work it out to solve the problem.

How to Deal

Dealing with conflict can be complex, especially if you’re under the influence of anger. Letting yourselves become enraged with emotions just worsens the circumstances, especially if it happens on both sides. Thus, be sure that both of you are always in control of your emotions.

Try your best to master your emotions, especially when in public places. It’s not nice if you pick a fight with your spouse where there are other people. It can be very embarrassing for both of you.

You both should learn how to communicate effectively to state your side of the argument. Do not talk at the same time, hear each other side.

Do not involve other people in your problems; simply because marital problems should be treated as something private that both of you should discuss.

It would also be helpful to learn how to look at your circumstance as a third person point of view. Try looking at the bigger picture, so that you don’t get hooked up with your pride and keep insisting that you’re right.

If you’re talking it over, be sure that both of you are calm while doing so. Also, try your best to think about what you say before speaking. Keep in mind that words can be as sharp as a two-edged sword. Saying something unwarranted can only worsen your situation and hurt your partner even more.

Try putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes. See how doing that can change your perspective on the subject. If you find yourself to be wrong, then be sure that you learn how to ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner.

Making Amends

If you’ll be asking for forgiveness, be sure that you’re sincere about it. Don’t do it just out of lip service. Do so with all your heart. Most of the time, both sides should ask for forgiveness of the other. This especially happens when both of you simply snapped out of anger and have acted inappropriately with each other. If so, be humble enough to admit your mistakes.

However, you should understand that saying you are sorry sometimes isn’t enough. There are instances when extra effort is needed. Don’t be afraid to go a step further than simply saying you are sorry.

Learning to Forgive

On the flip side, you should also learn to forgive. This is probably the most important thing in married life. Learning to forgive and learning to trust are two different things. Trust is something the other person needs to earn. However, when you say that you forgive him/her, be sure that you do so with all your heart. But for you to do that, you should be able to start out with a clean slate with zero grudges on either side.

Find out about the incredibly powerful strategies for resolving your marriage conflicts in a more constructive and less emotionally stressful way at Amy Waterman website:
http://savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html or you can read my review at:
http://savemarriagesite.com/reviews/save-my-marriage-today

Posted by Wan | Filed Under Successful Marriage Tips 

My So Called Married Life

December 22, 2008 | Leave a Comment

I posted here a problem faced by a young mother of two. I hope readers can share their views to help the mother to provide the best for her children and hopefully, her marriage.

When we were engaged, I could see that my fiancé was lazy to work. However because I love him, I just ignored that. We have been married for 2 years and have two kids. My husband had quit his job, he said he wanted to do freelance. What I can see is that he just sitting at the café with his laptop, and maybe doing some investment. I think he feel secured because I’m working in an oil and gas company.

To my friends, I have a happy marriage. Maybe because we got two kids although we just been married for two years. The truth is we seldom make love, and there was a time when we don’t make love for 6 months. He doesn’t give attention that I wanted, he and his own world. He went out every night and only be back at dawn. How long can I tolerate him? If the kid falls sick, I’m the one who has to bring her to hospital. When I admitted to the hospital, he didn’t visit me. He was sleeping at home. He doesn’t care about me. What I got from this marriage? Just burden, burden and burden.

I have talk to him several times about it. But he doesn’t change. He has been doing his so called freelance work for a year now. I don’t see any money coming in. I’m the one who has to support the family. He is enjoying himself at the café with his friends, I’m suffering at home.

I have asked him to go for marriage counseling which he refused. He said if I want a divorce, just ask for it. I have asked for a divorce, but he doesn’t want a divorce.

What should I do? I can’t take it anymore. Please help me save my marriage.

Posted by Wan | Filed Under Marriage Problems 

Unhappy Marriages Cost Businesses $6.8 Billion a Year

December 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment

All businesses are concerned with boosting productivity and reducing health care costs and employee turnover. This combination has become even more crucial in today’s competitive economy. Often missed, however, is the significant economic cost businesses actually bear for carrying employees on the payroll who are unhappily married or undergoing divorce.

Whether corporate America notices it or not, employees in failing relationships are costing it about $6.8 billion a year. Employees with relationship woes are frequently absent or sick, present at their desks in body but not spirit, or just too stressed out to do their jobs properly. Stress-related problems cost corporate America $300 billion a year.

What is more, couples who aren’t getting along are more likely to be troubled by domestic violence in an attempt to “solve” their conflict, which costs corporate America 7.9 million in lost work days each year. In addition, employees in such relationships are more prone to substance abuse problems and depression that, in turn, lead to higher health care costs.

As bad as failing marriages are for corporate America, the financial fallout for divorce is no better. A 2006 research study found that the projected cost to a company of an employee making $20 an hour who gets divorced is more than $8,000. In fact, recently divorced employees spend eight percent of their work days away from work because of relationship-related issues. That is the equivalent of being absent from work an entire month!

Even more telling, researchers have found that it can take as many as five years for employee productivity to return to what it was before an employee got divorced.

So far I have examined what happens to employees in troubled relationships who stay on the job. But what happens if the stress of a bad marriage or difficult divorce leads an employee to quit? The financial impact of this situation varies depending on whether the employee occupied a blue collar position or managerial post. A company forced to replace a blue collar worker will spend 150 percent of his total benefit package to do so. Meanwhile, the true cost of replacing a manager is 250 percent of his total benefit package.

As a marriage and family therapist who often consults with large corporations, I am offering these figures not just to illuminate a little-known problem but to suggest a solution. I believe it is imperative that all executives concerned with the welfare of their employees realize that the health of employees’ marriages is directly correlated with the health of their business’s bottom line. Companies can not afford to turn a blind eye to or ignore the marital problems of their employees. Instead they must look for creative ways to help their employees improve their relationships. This will be a win-win situation for everyone – the employees and their spouses who can enjoy the benefits of a strong union, and the employers who stand to gain stable and happier employees who are more able to make a strong contribution to the day to day operations of the companies for which they work. Of course, then employees and their families are spared the high emotional cost of marital turmoil and divorce as well.

About the Author: Beth Erickson is a marriage and family therapist, radio host, book author and developer of “The Best Part of Your Life” program for executives, entrepreneurs and their spouses. Dr. Beth has appeared on NPR and in Cosmo, USA Today and other national media.

Visit http://www.Dr.BethErickson.com to receive email updates from her and take a marriage assessment quiz that lets you know how your marriage stacks up against others. And visit http://www.AskDrBethErickson.com if you want to ask her a question

Posted by Wan | Filed Under Marriage Counseling 

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