Where Can I Find Help For A Troubled Relationship

November 30, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Relationships are difficult at the best of time but sometimes we need additional help. So where can you find help for a troubled relationship?

If you and your partner are still speaking, why not make a date together at your favorite restaurant. A public place is great for a chat about your feelings as you are more likely to keep your temper under control. You cannot let your cosy chat descend into a shouting match or you will disturb the other diners.

Sometimes a little work and some private chats are all that is needed to sort out the troubles in a relationship. Life gets so busy that it is easy to lose track of our loved ones and to end up ignoring them or causing them to feel neglected. A few “couple only nights” may be all you both need to get back on track.

If you cannot talk alone, why not ask a trusted friend or family member to act as mediator. This can be a difficult step to take and not one that you should enter into lightly. You must pick someone who has the ability to act impartially. This is not the time for any third party to be taking sides.

What you are looking for is someone who can help you and your partner to talk openly about the problems you are having.  Someone who has been in a long term relationship, for a long period of time,  will probably better understand the difficulties a couple can face. Single people may understand the theory but not having had the practice will find it difficult to dispense advice.

Often it is not possible for you to find a suitable friend or family member so why not try couple counselling? People believe that these services are only available for married couples but that is not the case. There are some services dedicated to those that are married but others are for couples who live together or share time together.

Check your local phone directory to see what services are available. Be careful when choosing your advisor though. If possible, go on a personal recommendation. Your doctor or religious adviser may be able to help. Or ask your counsellor if they have clients who are willing to give them a testimonial.

It is much better if both of you meet the counsellor as it is important you are both comfortable talking to this person. You will be discussing intimate details and this is impossible if you do not like the counsellor. They will probably want to meet you together as a couple and perhaps separately as well. Find out how many meetings you will be expected to attend and when you are likely to see results.

The good news is that if both parties are amenable to seeking help for a troubled relationship, you stand a great chance of sorting out your issues and going back to the happy couple you once were.

Get Your Partner To Agree To Relationship Counseling

March 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Relationship counseling is often a last resort for couples on the brink of the divorce.  But some couples try counseling early on when the first problems rear their heads. Counseling is certainly something that a couple shouldn’t be afraid to try, even if the problems are relatively minor.  Often, catching small problems early with counseling can prevent bigger problems down the road.  Early counseling can even something prevent a future divorce.

Today’s couples seem more eager to try to new things, which makes counseling a good option.  Couples married years ago seem less likely to go for counseling or try new approaches, perhaps because it wasn’t something commonly done when they were younger. Very often marriages of 30 or 40 years now end in divorce, which is a shame because they’ll never know if relationship counseling could have helped save the marriage.

If you feel like you need relationship counseling, be sure to as your partner to go to counseling with you in a non-judgmental way.  If you ask him or her to go to counseling in such a way as it seems like you are accusing them of being the problem and needing counseling, you’re likely to encounter resistance to the idea.  Try to make it clear that you want the counseling for yourself if nothing else.

If you ask your partner to go to counseling because you have some issues you need to work on, they’re more likely to view the idea favorably.  Explain that you think you need some help to be able to contribute more to the relationship, and to learn how to be a better partner or spouse.  Don’t accuse the other person of need counseling.  Even if you believe that they are most of the problem, don’t say so.  Once you’re in relationship counseling, they will learn tips and techniques for being better within the relationship, just as you will.

Don’t be afraid to suggest relationship counseling, whether you’ve been in the relationship for 3 months, 3 years or two decades.  It’s never too late to try counseling to resolve problems.  And it’s never too late to try to keep small problems from becoming big ones. If the relationship is relatively new, you might think that you’re admitting to problems and admitting that the relationship is rocky by suggesting counseling.  But that’s not true.  But facing any obstacles now, you’re making the relationship stronger in the long run.

If your partner believes that your suggestion of relationship counseling means that the relationship isn’t perfect, and maybe even is doomed, calmly explain that that isn’t true.  Just because you’re willing to admit that everything is perfect shows that you’re willing to make necessary changes to keep the other person and yourself happy.

If your partner refuses, go on your own.  While the counseling would work best if both of you go, you can go and work on things to improve yourself. If your partner sees you going to relationship counseling, they’re more likely to give it a try.

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Pre Marriage Counseling – The Answer to a Long and Healthy Marriage!

December 20, 2008 | Leave a Comment

There is no need to ask whether pre marriage counseling is for you or not. The answer is always YES. Pre marriage counseling is a psychological counseling given to couples before marriage. It is given to prepare them for and make them aware of possible marital issues that they may encounter in their marriage. This is quite important, as marriage experts say that pre marriage counseling helps reduce the possibility of divorce of up to thirty percent.

Counseling is usually given by a religious adviser and can range from two meetings to four meetings. The couple can choose what the content of the counseling will have as well as the amount of service to be given. It is also possible that the counseling be religion-neutral. No matter what the couple chooses, the counseling should include activities that allow them to adapt real skills, and give them real expectations and education about themselves and their partners so they can face the obstacles that they may encounter in their commitment as a married couple.

When looking for a good pre marriage counselor, it is important to research well on each prospect to get the best results. Make sure that the pre marriage counseling deals with your compatibility as a couple, your expectations, proper communication skills, your long-term goals, how to resolve conflicts, families, and intimacy and sexuality. It is also important to ask whether the counseling will handle a big or small group. Usually, a small group setting can be more engaging and more focused, but on the other hand, being part of a big group may yield advantages as well such as being more systematic and comprehensive. If working with a group, ask whether the approach is flexible enough to accommodate all the couples involved. Some skills are best developed on a one-couple counseling session.

Answering these questions will help you to resolve much better what kind of pre marriage counseling to consider as well as what pre marriage counselor to go to. Pre marriage counseling is very important to strengthen a couple’s relationship and constructively prepare both individuals, especially while they still have plenty of positive energy in their relationship. Couples nowadays face more pressure and maybe less support than before, which is why this counseling can be a big help. It is important to build a strong foundation before committing into this life-changing event. Without this strong foundation, it becomes easier to be overwhelmed by the pressure or the stress that may occur.

Living together is not enough to prove that you are ready for marriage. Do not be afraid of the issues that may be raised when you get into counseling. This will not make you love each other less, but instead help you both to work out these issues early on in the relationship with the help of an expert so to help you avoid encountering this kind of conflict when you are already a married couple.

Contributed by: Want to eliminate your pre marriage counseling? Don’t worry – you can save and strengthen it now! Get free award winning advice on how to save your marriage at http://www.SaveYourMarriageQuick.com.

Unhappy Marriages Cost Businesses $6.8 Billion a Year

December 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment

All businesses are concerned with boosting productivity and reducing health care costs and employee turnover. This combination has become even more crucial in today’s competitive economy. Often missed, however, is the significant economic cost businesses actually bear for carrying employees on the payroll who are unhappily married or undergoing divorce.

Whether corporate America notices it or not, employees in failing relationships are costing it about $6.8 billion a year. Employees with relationship woes are frequently absent or sick, present at their desks in body but not spirit, or just too stressed out to do their jobs properly. Stress-related problems cost corporate America $300 billion a year.

What is more, couples who aren’t getting along are more likely to be troubled by domestic violence in an attempt to “solve” their conflict, which costs corporate America 7.9 million in lost work days each year. In addition, employees in such relationships are more prone to substance abuse problems and depression that, in turn, lead to higher health care costs.

As bad as failing marriages are for corporate America, the financial fallout for divorce is no better. A 2006 research study found that the projected cost to a company of an employee making $20 an hour who gets divorced is more than $8,000. In fact, recently divorced employees spend eight percent of their work days away from work because of relationship-related issues. That is the equivalent of being absent from work an entire month!

Even more telling, researchers have found that it can take as many as five years for employee productivity to return to what it was before an employee got divorced.

So far I have examined what happens to employees in troubled relationships who stay on the job. But what happens if the stress of a bad marriage or difficult divorce leads an employee to quit? The financial impact of this situation varies depending on whether the employee occupied a blue collar position or managerial post. A company forced to replace a blue collar worker will spend 150 percent of his total benefit package to do so. Meanwhile, the true cost of replacing a manager is 250 percent of his total benefit package.

As a marriage and family therapist who often consults with large corporations, I am offering these figures not just to illuminate a little-known problem but to suggest a solution. I believe it is imperative that all executives concerned with the welfare of their employees realize that the health of employees’ marriages is directly correlated with the health of their business’s bottom line. Companies can not afford to turn a blind eye to or ignore the marital problems of their employees. Instead they must look for creative ways to help their employees improve their relationships. This will be a win-win situation for everyone – the employees and their spouses who can enjoy the benefits of a strong union, and the employers who stand to gain stable and happier employees who are more able to make a strong contribution to the day to day operations of the companies for which they work. Of course, then employees and their families are spared the high emotional cost of marital turmoil and divorce as well.

About the Author: Beth Erickson is a marriage and family therapist, radio host, book author and developer of “The Best Part of Your Life” program for executives, entrepreneurs and their spouses. Dr. Beth has appeared on NPR and in Cosmo, USA Today and other national media.

Visit http://www.Dr.BethErickson.com to receive email updates from her and take a marriage assessment quiz that lets you know how your marriage stacks up against others. And visit http://www.AskDrBethErickson.com if you want to ask her a question

How To Find A Marriage Therapist: Questions You Should Ask

December 2, 2008 | Leave a Comment

If you have read my ebook, Save The Marriage, you know that I have some major reservations about marital therapy. Studies have shown almost 50% of couples in therapy end up divorced. Only 10 to 20% of couples who go to therapy see any significant help from counseling. This is a major indictment on therapy, and one that has not been addressed!

The problem is not that there aren’t skilled marital therapists. The problem is there are too many therapists offering marital therapy that should not. If you decide to use a therapist to help you heal your relationship, you should be careful. Don’t go in unprepared. Many people spend less time choosing a therapist than choosing someone to fix their roof!

There are some questions I think you should ask of any therapist. If you are wondering why, I have a whole chapter on the problem with therapists in my ebook. So, here, I will focus on the questions you may want to ask:

* “Do you have specialized training in marriage counseling?” You’d be amazed on how many therapists see couples, but have never been trained to do so. The vast majority of therapists are trained in individual therapy models. Many ideas in individual therapy models are destructive in marital therapy.

* “How much of your work is with couples?” Someone who spends a great deal of time with couples is likely to be better at it than someone who sees a few couples each week. Therapists tend to spend their time with the type of clients with whom they are comfortable and successful. However, therapists are also likely to see clients they are less comfortable with, but who help pay the bills (that’s not cynicism, just reality).

* “When working with a couple, do you see us together or separately?” I don’t see this as an absolute, but I think the vast majority of sessions should be with both of the spouses together. Sometimes, it is useful to see one or the other to help get past a block. However, there are a couple of risks of spending too much time with one or the other: First, therapists are humans; like it or not, they will be swayed by the views of whomever they spend the most time. Second, one or the other may perceive a coalition, even if it is not there. And third, if a therapist hears something that one cannot say to the other, then the therapist is in a difficult position: keeping a secret or violating something said in confidence.

* “Who is your client when you are seeing a couple?” Correct answer: the relationship (or some very similar answer). Any other answer indicates that the individual(s) will be the client. This is a problem. The question of who the client is creates the frame for what will be addressed and what will be preserved. So, if the individual is the client, the client’s happiness will be of paramount importance. If the relationship is the client, then success is based on the success of the relationship.

* “How successful are you in helping couples stay together?” They probably won’t have the statistics, but they will give you some information that is helpful. For example, they will begin to tell you their definition of success: helping people divorce with minimal damage (not a good answer), helping each find happiness (not a good answer), I hang in there until we get somewhere in the relationship (a good answer), etc. You want to hear something about success being defined as couples staying together, relationships saved.

* “When do you tell a couple to call it quits?” There shouldn’t be many reasons to call it quits, on the therapist’s part. If they answer “affair” or “when the other wants a divorce,” keep moving. In my opinion, if the couple comes to my office, they are there to save the relationship. Barring abuse in the relationship, I opt to stick it out until the couple decides they will not continue.

As you can tell, you are looking for someone who will be an ally of the marriage. You want someone who is willing to be straight with both of you, and one that will keep pushing you to move toward health. You also want someone who has been down that road with many couples before, and someone who has been trained to walk that path.

Choose carefully. Often, the therapist holds a fragile relationship in the palm of his or her hand. Mistakes can destroy a relationship that may have otherwise survived. A good therapist is an asset. A bad therapist is destructive.

About the Author: Premiere relationship advice! Discover how to move your relationship from stalemate to soulmate with the best-selling ebook, Save The Marriage, available exclusively from http://savemarriagesite.com/go/savethemarriage.html . Find out how to save a marriage, even if only YOU want to!

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