Being Judgemental

Allow me to share something about relationship that I got from a friend. What works is that to feel them within yourself as you read the posting.

Do you notice that how quick we are to form an opinion of a person, to conclude about him/her. We find it satisfying to label another person, to give them a conceptual identity and to pronounce judgment upon them.

Childhood experiences and cultural environment have conditioned every human being to think and behave in certain ways. What you see is not who they are, but who they appear to be. When you pronounce judgment upon someone, you confuse those conditioned mind patterns with who they really are. To do that is in itself a deeply conditioned and unconscious pattern. You give them a conceptual identity, and that false identity becomes a constraint in your relationship with that person.

When you let go the judgment, it does not mean that you don’t see what they do. It means that you recognize their behavior as a form of conditioning and you see it and accept it as that. You don’t construct an identity out of it for that person. That liberates you as well as the other person from judging with conditioned mind. The ego then no longer runs your relationships.

3 Responses to “Being Judgemental”

  1. kate on May 9th, 2009

    That’s a very nice mind-opening article.. very nice indeed.
    Being judgmental is being unfair.. judging someone from what you think they are, and sometimes making rumors about it makes it worse.
    In a relationship, you cannot just judge your partner from what they did, or what you think they did. It’s always a better move to talk about it, and fix the problem together if there’s any. If you continue being judgmental, you will not help your relationship to be in a good position.

  2. Terry Borden on May 20th, 2010

    I am very interested in hearing more thoughts on this subject from “WAN”. I have suffered from the curse of judgementalism for most of my life. I believe it is a defense mechanism for an inferiority complex. If I can find fault with others it builds up my self-image and I feel better. The negative consequences are many: I have no close friends, I am very protective of my personal and emotional space, I am miserable to be around, I am a very lonely person even when I’m with people including my wife. I am just plain miserable when it comes to relationships. I recognize it is wrong, and I hate that dark side of my character. I don’t think I’m racist. I won’t judge a person based on their race, ethnicity, or color of skin. As a matter of fact I pride myself on my ability to communicate with people of many different cultures, religions, and languages. My problem is here in the States where I pass judgement on people based on particular behaviors that I find offensive, inferior, superior, or repulsive. For example, mindless nightclubbers, shallow and vain goodlooking and wealthy people, poor lazy people, Nascar lovers, red-necks, Hummer drivers, Lexus Drivers, Rappers, Ganstas, sexually permiscuous men and women, swingers, adulterers, perfectly capable people on welfare, disrespectful teenagers, dopeheads, beerheads (nothing wrong with an occasional beer or two)etc. I could go on and on. I can justify all of it, but I want to learn to justify a more accepting and forgiving mindset. Who am I to judge? My question exactly. Why do I feel the weight and responsibility of it all? I am not God, so why does it feel like it’s all on my back? As a Christian I try to put the yoke on Jesus’ back, but it only works for a few minutes. I try to accept that each person is created in God’s image and I should accept everyone based on that. nothing seems to give me peace about it. In the comments above you said that a person’s behavior is simply a conditioned behavior and is not who they are. Then what is a person if they are not the sum total of their behaviors? Isn’t a person’s behavior a function of choices made? A person of good character will make a different choice than someone of bad character when confronted with or subjected to same stimuli or conditions. Who is a person if they are not how they behave?

  3. Wan on May 21st, 2010

    It occurred to me that you have standard and ideal for yourself and people in your life and around you. You want people to behave in a certain way that fit your standard and ideal. However people are not the same. Their standard and ideal may differ from you.

    It’s nothing wrong in having standard and ideal if you are willing to pay the price. You are aware of the price that you have to pay; no close friend, lonely, loss of vitality and affinity. You can choose to carry on being judgmental and pay the price. If you want to live a happy and an extraordinary life, just give up being judgmental. You may like to go down the memory lane and find out what triggered you to make the decision to be judgmental. Get complete with that “issue” and move on.

    For more info on how to live an extraordinary life, please visit:

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