Discover Your Marriage Saving Power

April 5, 2009 | Leave a Comment

When your marriage or relationship is in crisis and you and your partner can’t seem to communicate or cooperate, this can be one of the most powerless and frustrating situations that you find yourself in. Wanting more than ever to fix things and make it right makes very little difference, and loving your partner and telling them how much you love them seems to have little effect on the way they feel about you.

As much as you want to save your marriage, sometimes this feels like it’s not enough. Sometimes it feels like you are the only one that still cares about the marriage and the family, and the burden you feel can be overwhelming. That’s when people reach out for help, and one way they reach out is by contacting me.

I get asked for advice, for information, for thoughts, and sometimes just for a listening and sympathetic ear. One thing all rings true for all people in this situation though: You can’t control the actions of others. Sometimes the most empowering realization is that you can control your actions. You can control how you act and react to others.

Have you considered how your feelings and reactions have influenced the outcome in your marriage situation? Has your despair or anger come through in your interactions with your partner?

“He makes me so angry”

“She makes me feel sad”

“You make me feel inadequate”

“You make me feel unloved”

Consider these statements. Using these statements implies that it is your partner, not you that makes you have those feelings, and that it’s their fault that you feel this way. I’m going to let you in on a little secret…

It’s not true.

Nobody makes you feel the way you do. You choose to be angry or sad, jealous or hurt, inadequate or unloved. Sure, it may be as a result of the words and actions of your partner, but ultimately you choose what feeling you have. Someone may say something or behave towards you that elicits a reaction, but what reaction you choose to have is within your control.

Now in saying this, I am not implying that having a reaction or a feeling is your fault, but how much you choose to let it affect you is completely within your control.

If your partner says something that is deliberately hurtful, consider their reasons for making this comment. They may want you to feel as bad as they do. They may just want you to leave them alone. They may be displaying a defense reaction. They may not mean what they are saying but they are hurting you in order to get your attention.

Consider what is motivating your partner to act they way they do. What is your best course of action in reaction? How is your reaction helping save your marriage?

You don’t have to like the way your partner is treating you, and you don’t have to condone their actions, but how you choose to respond can determine whether the marriage problem is going to decrease or escalate.

Respond with love. Consider what is in the best interests of your marriage. Tell your partner that while you don’t agree with them, you love them. You love them because you choose to love them. You love them even if they don’t love you. You are their friend even if they don’t want to be your friend anymore.

This is one of the first steps to recreating love. Understanding the power of your actions. Choosing your reactions. Taking control of how you are going to let this marriage problem affect you. This is powerful stuff, and there is so much more in our marriage saving course.

Take the first step towards taking control of your marriage crisis today.

About the Author: Andrew Rusbatch, Co-author of Save My Marriage Today.

If you liked this article, get more articles (of similar quality) by subscribing to Save My Marriage Today Newsletter. Visit Save My Marriage Today website HERE, and signup for the 6-Day E-Course. You’ll receive the e-course lessons, and subsequently the newsletter, through email. Signup now, it’s FREE!

Putting the Past into Past and Moving On

April 2, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Thanks for your email.

You are right when you say that you can’t erase the past, and the scars of your past behaviors are significant. The success of your marriage is really going to hinge on a few things, including:

1. You and your wife living near each other, preferably in the same country and same state. A long-distance relationship is not a marriage, nor is it an appropriate place from which no negotiate the future of your marriage.

2. Your wife’s ability to trust you again and find positive ways of channeling her pain. In order for you to regain her trust you need to demonstrate through actions, not words, that changes have been made.

3. You going to a counselor to resolve your childhood issues that you have carried into adulthood. It’s time to stop making excuses.You need to decide if you want to be present in the relationship. What do I mean by this? Be there for your wife. Nurture her, take care of her, appreciate her, share your feelings with her, share your dreams with her, be her lover and her friend.

Now expanding on those points, you identify that your behaviors are symptomatic of unresolved issues from your childhood. Have you sought treatment for those issues? Those that we resist, persist. Don’t assume that your problems will go away on their own. Learn the lessons from your past, get counseling, modify your behaviors and stop making excuses. Your past may have affected you in a negative way, but one of the responsibilities of an adult and a father is that you are aware of your issues and seek treatment for them. Your childhood didn’t cause you to have affairs. You did. That was a choice you made, and one that your wife and family will now have to live with.

The next point is that neither of you have been present in the relationship for a long time, both emotionally and physically. Your wife didn’t have an affair because you did. She had an affair because she needed to feel the love and attention that you were unable to offer her. Your wife needed to be reminded of her femininity – her presence as a woman, and this is a very real need that needs to be fulfilled within the marriage if it’s going to survive. She had given up on you emotionally, and in that moment, in her mind, you stopped being her husband. You had not been present in the marriage for even longer, at least as long as you were having affairs.

How do you recreate this presence? Communication. Talking about feelings. Finding moments of connection with your partner where you can demonstrate the love you have for one another. This is about an emotional as well as physical connection. Remember what it was like when you first met your wife?

What is your idea of the perfect relationship? What changes do you think need to be made in your relationship to get there? The biggest I can see is presence and communication. It’s your responsibility to participate in the relationship and make this happen. Don’t let your past hold you back.

Hope this helps.

Written by Andrew Rusbatch – Co-author of Save My Marriage Today.

You too can email your marriage problem to Andrew and get real advice for your specific situation. This service is provided as a bonus to Save My Marriage Today eBook. Check out now before the bonus is taken out. Visit -  http://www.savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html

« Previous Page