How to Save Your Marriage

April 18, 2009 | Leave a Comment

If you are having trouble with your marriage, don’t worry too much because you are not alone. Many people have no idea what to do to save their marriage. But you? You are here, searching for the answer on how to save your marriage. Some people believe that they have no choice but to allow their marriage to fall apart. Divorce may not necessarily be the solution to your unhappiness. You can’t solve a problem by creating another problem. In life, people always have choices.

Consider these:

1. Studies suggested that divorced individuals don’t end up happier. You can chose to divorce and end up miserable five years later OR stay married and will be “very happy” after five years.

2. Divorce do has impact on children. How they react to their divorcing parents depends on their age. Choose between your children whole life misery and your five years misery.

3. The divorce rate of remarriages is higher than the first marriages. So you can choose to work on your current marriage or remarry.

Is your situation hopeless? No. There is a way, but only if you chose to save your marriage.

Amy Waterman and her team are committted to help you save your marriage even if only you are willing to work on it. Visit http://www.savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html to find out how.

The Meaning of Love

April 15, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Love seems to appear differently to different people at different time. Below are some of what you may already heard about love.

“Love is blind.”

“The pleasure of love lasts but a moment, the pain of love lasts a life time.” – French proverb.

“Love start with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.” – Dana Loeffel.

Do you still remember the time when you fell in love with your partner or spouse for the first time? How did love appear to you then? Is it something like this?

“A man in love sees a pimple as a dimple.” – Japanese proverb.

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” – Erich Segal

“Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.” – Isaac Watts.

“Love will keep us alive.” – The Scorpions.

The quotations above were true for me. Life was full of rainbows when my girlfriend and I were dating more than 20 years ago. But everything changed after a few years of getting married. Thus I tend to agree with the following quotation:

“Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason.

I asked myself why she was not as perfect as when we were dating. Why she changed? After doing a self-inquiry I realized that I have expectation that she need to fulfills. I expected her to behave in certain way. I expected her to communicate with me in certain way. When the expectation was not fulfilled, I felt love is war.

“On the day you crossed the line, I found out love is war.” – The Scorpions.

When we were dating, we live to the expectation of our partner in order to win her or his hand in marriage. When we get what we wanted, we will be our authentic self. Then life is hell for our spouse and vice versa. There is a saying about marriage:

“Marriage requires four types of “rings”: 1) The Engagement Ring; 2) The Wedding Ring; 3) The Suffe-Ring; 4) The Endu-Ring.”

Now I realized that I have a choice, to be happy or suffer by making my wife wrong for not living to my expectation. I chose to be happy and accepted my wife the way she is and the way she is not. Our life now is full of joy and laughter, just like when we were dating.

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen.

“Love is nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give – which is everything.”

“Love is accepting someone the way he/she is and the way he/she is not.”

Saving Your Marriage On Your Own

April 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment

One of the most frustrating aspects of saving marriages is when one partner refuses to participate in the process. Communication, cooperation, and respect for each other disappear as each person retreats into themselves and act as individuals. Your husband or wife no longer participating in the relationship. He or she will not do anything that may be seen as exposing vulnerability or taking responsibility for their part in the marriage crisis. Your spouse refused to talk about what he or she felt the issues were, refused counseling, says he or she is not in love, and that he or she does not want to try to save the marriage. It’s heartbreaking, but there are things that you can do if you are in the same situation.

Do you like to receive emails like the one posted below, to help you saving your marriage? If your answer is yes, visit Save My Marriage Today and grab the offer (Super Bonus No. 6) before it is taken out.

Hi,

Thanks for your email.

Your husband has indicated quite clearly that he is not willing to participate in the marriage or in counseling, and that he is not prepared to discuss with you his reasons for ending the marriage. That’s because he doesn’t know himself what the issues are!

You need to accept the fact that your husband is not at a level where he is able to communicate, and leave it at that. I understand that you have tried to encourage him to go to counseling, and that at every step along the way he has opposed you vigorously, however, that doesn’t have to stop you from participating in counseling and getting some meaning out of all of this. If he chooses to be angry and not learn anything from this process, that’s his choice. He will take that baggage and it will carry through into his next relationship.

You are being called into an opportunity for growth. Your husband is not participating, so you need to do this alone. Go to counseling. Get meaning. Gain understanding. Forgive yourself, both for your part in this process as well as the things you cannot change.

You don’t have to file the divorce papers. If he wants to end the relationship, he can be the one that does it. He wants the relationship to end but he doesn’t want to be the one responsible for actually ending it. That’s childish. If he is the one that is motivated to give up on the relationship, he can be the one that finalizes it and deals with the emotional consequences.

I want you to focus on your love for your husband, even at a time when he is pushing you away and is unable to reciprocate. This is what we call unconditional love. Unconditional love is realizing that even when he doesn’t want to be with you, you still love him. Your love for him is going to be what helps you make the effort for your children’s sake, and it is going to give you peace of mind, and it is going to absolve you of the guilt associated with his actions. Your husband is set on torturing himself and others. Don’t allow yourself to be affected by his behavior and be drawn into it too much. That’s where counseling comes in, which can offer you a grounding perspective as well as ways of channelling the stress..

You aren’t in fantasy land. This isn’t false hope. This is about you not letting him be the one that ruins you. He can end the relationship but how you let him affect you is YOUR choice.

You cannot choose the people you love, and despite everything that this man does to you, you still love him. That shows a strength of character that is a credit to you. Be proud of loving him, even when he can’t allow himself to love you.

Stay strong. Identify what you can learn from this and what ways you are being called to grow. You will look back on this time and see it as a defining moment in your life. Make sure it is for the right reasons.

Andrew Rusbatch
Co-author of Save My Marriage Today

Like the email? Check out the Super Bonus Offer at:

http://www.savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html

Discover Your Marriage Saving Power

April 5, 2009 | Leave a Comment

When your marriage or relationship is in crisis and you and your partner can’t seem to communicate or cooperate, this can be one of the most powerless and frustrating situations that you find yourself in. Wanting more than ever to fix things and make it right makes very little difference, and loving your partner and telling them how much you love them seems to have little effect on the way they feel about you.

As much as you want to save your marriage, sometimes this feels like it’s not enough. Sometimes it feels like you are the only one that still cares about the marriage and the family, and the burden you feel can be overwhelming. That’s when people reach out for help, and one way they reach out is by contacting me.

I get asked for advice, for information, for thoughts, and sometimes just for a listening and sympathetic ear. One thing all rings true for all people in this situation though: You can’t control the actions of others. Sometimes the most empowering realization is that you can control your actions. You can control how you act and react to others.

Have you considered how your feelings and reactions have influenced the outcome in your marriage situation? Has your despair or anger come through in your interactions with your partner?

“He makes me so angry”

“She makes me feel sad”

“You make me feel inadequate”

“You make me feel unloved”

Consider these statements. Using these statements implies that it is your partner, not you that makes you have those feelings, and that it’s their fault that you feel this way. I’m going to let you in on a little secret…

It’s not true.

Nobody makes you feel the way you do. You choose to be angry or sad, jealous or hurt, inadequate or unloved. Sure, it may be as a result of the words and actions of your partner, but ultimately you choose what feeling you have. Someone may say something or behave towards you that elicits a reaction, but what reaction you choose to have is within your control.

Now in saying this, I am not implying that having a reaction or a feeling is your fault, but how much you choose to let it affect you is completely within your control.

If your partner says something that is deliberately hurtful, consider their reasons for making this comment. They may want you to feel as bad as they do. They may just want you to leave them alone. They may be displaying a defense reaction. They may not mean what they are saying but they are hurting you in order to get your attention.

Consider what is motivating your partner to act they way they do. What is your best course of action in reaction? How is your reaction helping save your marriage?

You don’t have to like the way your partner is treating you, and you don’t have to condone their actions, but how you choose to respond can determine whether the marriage problem is going to decrease or escalate.

Respond with love. Consider what is in the best interests of your marriage. Tell your partner that while you don’t agree with them, you love them. You love them because you choose to love them. You love them even if they don’t love you. You are their friend even if they don’t want to be your friend anymore.

This is one of the first steps to recreating love. Understanding the power of your actions. Choosing your reactions. Taking control of how you are going to let this marriage problem affect you. This is powerful stuff, and there is so much more in our marriage saving course.

Take the first step towards taking control of your marriage crisis today.

About the Author: Andrew Rusbatch, Co-author of Save My Marriage Today.

If you liked this article, get more articles (of similar quality) by subscribing to Save My Marriage Today Newsletter. Visit Save My Marriage Today website HERE, and signup for the 6-Day E-Course. You’ll receive the e-course lessons, and subsequently the newsletter, through email. Signup now, it’s FREE!

Putting the Past into Past and Moving On

April 2, 2009 | 1 Comment

Thanks for your email.

You are right when you say that you can’t erase the past, and the scars of your past behaviors are significant. The success of your marriage is really going to hinge on a few things, including:

1. You and your wife living near each other, preferably in the same country and same state. A long-distance relationship is not a marriage, nor is it an appropriate place from which no negotiate the future of your marriage.

2. Your wife’s ability to trust you again and find positive ways of channeling her pain. In order for you to regain her trust you need to demonstrate through actions, not words, that changes have been made.

3. You going to a counselor to resolve your childhood issues that you have carried into adulthood. It’s time to stop making excuses.You need to decide if you want to be present in the relationship. What do I mean by this? Be there for your wife. Nurture her, take care of her, appreciate her, share your feelings with her, share your dreams with her, be her lover and her friend.

Now expanding on those points, you identify that your behaviors are symptomatic of unresolved issues from your childhood. Have you sought treatment for those issues? Those that we resist, persist. Don’t assume that your problems will go away on their own. Learn the lessons from your past, get counseling, modify your behaviors and stop making excuses. Your past may have affected you in a negative way, but one of the responsibilities of an adult and a father is that you are aware of your issues and seek treatment for them. Your childhood didn’t cause you to have affairs. You did. That was a choice you made, and one that your wife and family will now have to live with.

The next point is that neither of you have been present in the relationship for a long time, both emotionally and physically. Your wife didn’t have an affair because you did. She had an affair because she needed to feel the love and attention that you were unable to offer her. Your wife needed to be reminded of her femininity – her presence as a woman, and this is a very real need that needs to be fulfilled within the marriage if it’s going to survive. She had given up on you emotionally, and in that moment, in her mind, you stopped being her husband. You had not been present in the marriage for even longer, at least as long as you were having affairs.

How do you recreate this presence? Communication. Talking about feelings. Finding moments of connection with your partner where you can demonstrate the love you have for one another. This is about an emotional as well as physical connection. Remember what it was like when you first met your wife?

What is your idea of the perfect relationship? What changes do you think need to be made in your relationship to get there? The biggest I can see is presence and communication. It’s your responsibility to participate in the relationship and make this happen. Don’t let your past hold you back.

Hope this helps.

Written by Andrew Rusbatch – Co-author of Save My Marriage Today.

You too can email your marriage problem to Andrew and get real advice for your specific situation. This service is provided as a bonus to Save My Marriage Today eBook. Check out now before the bonus is taken out. Visit –  http://www.savemarriagesite.com/go/savemarriage.html