Owning Your Past and Looking Forward

March 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment

When reading of people’s justification for their unhappy marriages, I hear a lot of stories. Miscommunication, hurt feelings, different expectations of what marriage is, different expectations of what is involved in parenting, different personalities and cultures, and past scars and traumatic childhoods.

Today we are going to look at the scars of the past, particularly with unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships. It’s something that happens to a lot of couples, and it’s an enormously destructive force.

When you meet the person you love, quite often they have lived a part of their lifetime before meeting you, and immersed themselves in a range of different experiences, some good, some bad. Emotional baggage is something that all of us carry within us to an extent, but how much we bring into a relationship can really effect how the relationship dynamic works.

I received an email from a man who had been married for a number of years, and was a chronic adulterer. He blamed it on unresolved issues from childhood, perhaps a lack of connection with a parent figure, or low self-esteem, either way he continued to have affairs at intervals right through his married life. His wife was aware of what was happening, and after a number of affairs she simply stopped participating on an emotional level. A part of her died every time he went outside the relationship in search of that elusive fulfillment. Eventually she sought solace in the arms of another, and an affair ensued. Now his wife has decided she wants to end the marriage, and this man believes it is motivated by revenge. This man wants to start over, but doesn’t know where to begin.

Written by Andrew Rusbatch – Co-author of Save My marriage Today Newsletter.

P.S: Andrew’s reply will be posted in a couple of days.

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Avoiding A Love Break Up

March 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment

If you’ve ever had your love break up you know how painful it is.  And if you thought back after the relationship ended, you probably saw all the signs that you didn’t recognize before. If you’ll remember those signs and keep them in mind, they can help you prevent a break up in the future.  And they can also help you get back together after a split.

One sure sign of impending love break up is the lack of physical contact. This doesn’t just mean sex.  If your partner suddenly stops having an interest in sex, that’s a good sign that a break up is coming.  But the normal flow and rhythm of a relationship has times when there’s lots of sex and times when there’s not much. This is natural.

A love break up is probably on the horizon though, if your partner stops holding your hand for no apparent reason.  Or he or she stops putting an arm over your shoulder at the movies or in public when he or she always did it before. Any sudden changes like not touching you much outside the bedroom when your partner was always very affectionate before could signal problems.

If it goes beyond not touching to the person actually becoming uncomfortable at your touch, then you definitely need to have a conversation with your partner about what’s going on.  Don’t just assume that because your partner flinched away from your touch that there’s about to be a love break up, though.  Many things can cause a person to not want to be touched at any given moment.

A person might have been thinking of something else and been surprised or startled by the touch.   He or she might think that your touch signals that it’s time to have sex, if you’re not very affectionate except when you want to be intimate.  And maybe your partner isn’t in the mood for sex now and chose to show you that by moving away from your touch.  That doesn’t mean you’re headed for a love break up.

Your partner might simply not feel good. Every change in a person’s behavior doesn’t signal an impending love break up or even anything wrong with the relationship.  You have to watch them closely for a while to determine if some behavior is an occasional thing, something brought on only during certain times, or if it’s a permanent part of the person’s make up.

Catching your partner in lies, even what seem like small and harmless ones, could be a sign of problems, too. After all, if a lie is small and harmless, why tell it in the first place?  Where there’s one tiny lie, larger and more damaging lies can grow. Don’t become convinced it’s a love break up right away though. People lie about many things that aren’t bad, like surprise parties and reunions.  Your partner might be trying to keep a harmless and fun secret like that, instead of scheming about a love break up.

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How To Stop My Divorce

March 25, 2009 | 1 Comment

First, if you were the one who made the decision to end the marriage and now you wonder, how can I stop my divorce? You should realize that you’re in a much better position than most people trying to save their relationships.  You’ll need to swallow your pride and go to your spouse with an apology.  Explain that you acted hastily and that now you regret it.  Explain that you no longer want the divorce, and maybe even that you never wanted it but you spoke out of anger and you were wrong.

This might seem a difficult step, but it’s necessary.  Since you were the one to bring up the issue of divorce, your spouse might have started seriously considering and thinking that it’s a good idea, too.  When you want to know, “How to stop my divorce,” you need to discover what your spouse thinks of the idea and make it clear that you were wrong.  Unless they’ve had a lot of time and reason to decide that you were right and divorce is the best step, you can probably save the marriage just by admitting you made a mistake.

If you’re wondering, “How can I stop my divorce when I didn’t want it in the first place,” then you have your work cut out for you.  You can explain, without judgment or accusations, that you think the marriage is worth saving and that you don’t want a divorce.  Chances are that you’ve done this, more than once.  But the way you say it can make a difference.

It’s important for you to be very mature and calm about it.  That’s not always easy to do.  Divorce is an emotional and painful thing.  But it’s one thing to cry while explaining that you want to stay married, and entirely another to yell or dissolve into hysterics.  If you scream, accuse or point fingers at your spouse, you’re giving him or her even more reason to want to get away from you. If you want to learn ‘how to stop my divorce’ you have to let go of the anger and resentment you feel toward your spouse for ever suggesting it in the first place.

You also have to be willing to work on your problems. You must agree that the relationship can’t go back to the way it was, but must change for the better.  Suggest marital counseling.  Explain, “I want to stop my divorce,” but make it clear you know your spouse was unhappy with the way things were, and you’re ready to make them better.

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Get Your Partner To Agree To Relationship Counseling

March 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Relationship counseling is often a last resort for couples on the brink of the divorce.  But some couples try counseling early on when the first problems rear their heads. Counseling is certainly something that a couple shouldn’t be afraid to try, even if the problems are relatively minor.  Often, catching small problems early with counseling can prevent bigger problems down the road.  Early counseling can even something prevent a future divorce.

Today’s couples seem more eager to try to new things, which makes counseling a good option.  Couples married years ago seem less likely to go for counseling or try new approaches, perhaps because it wasn’t something commonly done when they were younger. Very often marriages of 30 or 40 years now end in divorce, which is a shame because they’ll never know if relationship counseling could have helped save the marriage.

If you feel like you need relationship counseling, be sure to as your partner to go to counseling with you in a non-judgmental way.  If you ask him or her to go to counseling in such a way as it seems like you are accusing them of being the problem and needing counseling, you’re likely to encounter resistance to the idea.  Try to make it clear that you want the counseling for yourself if nothing else.

If you ask your partner to go to counseling because you have some issues you need to work on, they’re more likely to view the idea favorably.  Explain that you think you need some help to be able to contribute more to the relationship, and to learn how to be a better partner or spouse.  Don’t accuse the other person of need counseling.  Even if you believe that they are most of the problem, don’t say so.  Once you’re in relationship counseling, they will learn tips and techniques for being better within the relationship, just as you will.

Don’t be afraid to suggest relationship counseling, whether you’ve been in the relationship for 3 months, 3 years or two decades.  It’s never too late to try counseling to resolve problems.  And it’s never too late to try to keep small problems from becoming big ones. If the relationship is relatively new, you might think that you’re admitting to problems and admitting that the relationship is rocky by suggesting counseling.  But that’s not true.  But facing any obstacles now, you’re making the relationship stronger in the long run.

If your partner believes that your suggestion of relationship counseling means that the relationship isn’t perfect, and maybe even is doomed, calmly explain that that isn’t true.  Just because you’re willing to admit that everything is perfect shows that you’re willing to make necessary changes to keep the other person and yourself happy.

If your partner refuses, go on your own.  While the counseling would work best if both of you go, you can go and work on things to improve yourself. If your partner sees you going to relationship counseling, they’re more likely to give it a try.

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I Want to Make My Marriage Work

March 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment


“I want to make my marriage work, but I can’t get over the past.”

Does this sound familiar to you? You might have heard it from your friend, or you yourself might have said it. Getting over the past seems quite impossible for many of us. We can’t forget what has happened in the past, things that hurt us. We are carrying this emotional baggage with us everyday. When similar incident happens again, we add it to the baggage that we are carrying. This baggage is getting heavier and heavier each day. Many of us can’t get rid of this baggage and live a miserable life. If you are in this situation, don’t worry too much. There is hope.

It’s not what happened that make you hurt, angry, etc. It is the meaning you put to what has happened that made you feel that way. For example; your partner forgets your birthday. What comes to your mind?

“I’m not important anymore?”
“He/she doesn’t love me anymore?”
So on and so forth.

It is not that he/she forgot that hurt you. It is the meaning you put to what happened. He/she just forgot, period. You can’t change what has happened, but you can change the meaning you put to what has happened. This is the key to get over the past and move on to live a happy life.

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